2017 was a total bitch. I was broken hearted and chose to heal in ways that wasn't even remotely healthy, nor safe. By December I had realized that the only person making me sad anymore was myself. I had become comfortable with misery. I had become used to the idea that I could be put second in relationships, that I was okay with never being enough for somebody, so I'd either change myself for others, or allow them to treat me like poop. I don't even think I understood how exhausted I was because of that. So, I started forcing myself to be uncomfortable by demanding more from myself and those around me. I lost myself, friends, relationships, but I gained a new puppy (Kehlani!! *insert heart eyes here*) and I gained self respect; and damn was self respect hard as hell to gain. Last night I was talking to one of my closest friends and I told her that I was too happy right now; that shit was about to go down because I'm too happy and I know I'm going to subconsciously screw it all up. That TERRIFIES me, because I'm scared it's true. Why can't I let myself be happy? Maybe I'm still used to the misery and a part of me is craving that again. That's what's annoying, no one ever tells you that on a journey to self love, you fall back into old habits knowing full well they're bad/harmful to the progress you've made. So now I'm working overtime to make sure I don't mess this up and I'm even more exhausted.
Senior year in college, working full time, and on top of that I'm working full time on a "me" I'm happy with. A me that can say "fuck you! I deserve to be a priority, I deserve to be loved so deeply that it shakes me. I deserve that." Something that's hard too is to acknowledge that I really am worth it. I've been beaten down so much, that I'm scared that there's nothing here to love..I'm a shell of a person. So how do I get my soul back? My drive? I sure as hell don't know, but I'll keep you updated along the way. I heard this song called "Lately" but Humble & Blisse the other day and I think it's been on repeat. There's something so nice about listening to slow song that just makes you think. Does that make sense? Check it out, lemme know what you think. In the mean time here's some pictures of my lovable dog and a picture (maybe a few...) of me in my bathroom feeling myself, because self love is important too.
